I can’t take a pregnancy test.

The wheels are in motion, y’all. Jake and I are on track for a frozen embryo transfer in July. I just need to call with Day 1 of my period in May. When I asked if we could do a June transfer, the nurse told me to call with Day 1 in April. Now that I’m over a week late, she’s suggested I take a pregnancy test to be sure and… I just can’t do it.

I know my husband’s sperm can’t get me pregnant. I accepted two years ago that it’s simply not going to happen. There’s a lot of toxic positivity in the infertility community and I’m just not here for it. Faith/hope/positive thinking… those things aren’t going to get me pregnant. God and science will get me pregnant if anything does. My husband’s sperm is not going to get me pregnant, the fun and free way. I’m in a good place with that knowledge. I have two gorgeous girls and six frozen embryos. It is okay that I don’t get to do this like other people and still… I cannot bear to look at a negative pregnancy test. I will not do it. My period will come and the clinic can wait for that day.

Here we go again.

Me: “What if I get sick again?”
Jake: “You won’t.”
Me: “Why does it have to be so hard?”
Jake: “Anything worth having is hard.”
Me: “That’s easy for you to say when nothing has ever been this hard for you. Everything has been this hard for me.”

It’s been two years, y’all, but somehow it feels like twenty minutes since Jake and I started our infertility journey. It brought us two beautiful, healthy girls, with severe complications for their mama, but I am so happy. They were absolutely worth it. If you follow my primary blog, you know I quit the job I loved to stay home. Though I’d literally never considered being a stay-at-home-mom before, it’s been amazing and being mama to my beautiful girls has made me whole again. What more could I want? Well… to give more of my embryos a chance at life. That’s what.

When Jake and I started IVF, of course we feared we wouldn’t even get pregnant. After our first cycle resulted in no baby and no embryos to freeze, we were thrilled that our second ended in two to transfer and six to freeze. We wouldn’t only get the chance to have a child, we’d get eight chances. When the first double embryo transfer took, we were elated to be having twins. We’d prayed for both embryos to thrive, seeing them as life, both morally and scientifically. We were over the moon.

Every day with our girls is a wonder and I can’t believe they’ll be turning one in June. I also can’t believe I’ll be turning 35 in September, Jake 38 in October. We’ve always wanted our children to be close in age and I’d say that’s even more true since our first two were twins. We also don’t want to be Old Parents, so here we go with our first frozen transfer. I don’t know if I’m ready, but is anyone ever ready for this?