I can’t take a pregnancy test.

The wheels are in motion, y’all. Jake and I are on track for a frozen embryo transfer in July. I just need to call with Day 1 of my period in May. When I asked if we could do a June transfer, the nurse told me to call with Day 1 in April. Now that I’m over a week late, she’s suggested I take a pregnancy test to be sure and… I just can’t do it.

I know my husband’s sperm can’t get me pregnant. I accepted two years ago that it’s simply not going to happen. There’s a lot of toxic positivity in the infertility community and I’m just not here for it. Faith/hope/positive thinking… those things aren’t going to get me pregnant. God and science will get me pregnant if anything does. My husband’s sperm is not going to get me pregnant, the fun and free way. I’m in a good place with that knowledge. I have two gorgeous girls and six frozen embryos. It is okay that I don’t get to do this like other people and still… I cannot bear to look at a negative pregnancy test. I will not do it. My period will come and the clinic can wait for that day.

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