Our Secret Cycle

This cycle has been so different in so many ways… primarily the fact that we’ve told no one, other than my immediate supervisor, so I could arrange for the necessary time off. My branch manager is a dear, but she’s not great with confidentiality or privacy and I’d prefer no one at work know. As for everyone else… well, if things go as they did last time and this is a total bust, I’d just rather grieve alone, with no obligation to report to anyone else or manage their feelings.

I was considering not even recording my experience this time, as it’s been so wildly different, I can’t imagine it actually being relevant next time, but who knows what Future Belle will wish I’d tracked. Although the medication hasn’t changed and the dosages are similar, I’ve had a near opposite experience this time. Instead of energizing me to the point of wired exhaustion, I’ve just been completely and utterly drained, both physically and emotionally. I’ve had my lows, sure, but mostly, I’ve been unable to muster up any feeling at all. It is what it is and we may never be parents. Perhaps if I let myself truly acknowledge that, I won’t be able to go on with this process, because it sucks.

I trigger tonight, with my retrieval scheduled for November 3rd… election day. Zetus lapetus, this has been a terrible year. An historic ice storm hit last week, just after we started medications which must be refrigerated. The library was closed for four days and I spent every moment of them praying we’d keep power, and therefore water, because if we had to go stay with someone, we’d have to share that we were in the middle of another cycle. We were lucky. While the power flickered, we never lost it. Many people have been without for a week. Politically, this year is far more divisive than 2016 and I didn’t think that would be possible. As the pandemic hits new highs, tensions rise, along with our Covid-19 cases. We just broke our daily record, with well over 2,000. If there was ever a worst time to be going through IVF, this is it.

Well, for better or for worse, we’ve switched things up a bit, this cycle, and it’ll all be over soon.

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